10 Reasons why I suck

1. I wake up everyday, mad that I woke up and didnt die in my sleep.
2. I tell others to build a bridge and get over it but I never can.
3. I care more about my son than anything else. (I know youre wondering how this is bad but it can be harmful. Instead if taking care of myself or things of importance, I focus almost every ounce of energy, thought and care on him.)
4. Im a pessimist. (or so Im told)
5. I avoid family because I hate who Ive become and dont want them to know and worry.
6. I hate myself. A lot.
7. I let my husband constantly treat me like garbage and dont do anything about it but complain. Doormat syndrome.
8. I blame myself for almost everything bad that ever happens to me.
9. I have a ton of regrets in life.
10. I dont know why Im here and it drives me crazy.

I think thats a good starting point. I can add to later, which Im sure I will.
So my buddy Dwayne who went into hospice died on the 9th this month. It is so tragic. Im thankful I had that last visit but I so needed one more. I miss him so much. I think about him everyday. He would have told me to make a list of reasons why Im awesome.
His family had a “celebration of life” for him. It was nice, just tough. I felt like I couldnt truly express my grief. Then, the next day, his stupid brother texts me from his phone, talking like hes Dwayne and thanked me for coming to the service. It really creeped me out, then when I found out his brother did it, I was livid. What an ass!

How do you live life to the fullest? I feel like everyday is a countdown to the end. Another one down. How lame.

Another page

Wow, it’s been a while. Im sure my readers/followers have been real concerned…NOT. Anyways not much has really changed in the happiness department, seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try it just isn’t gonna happen. I follow this other blog called http://www.enjoyingthesmallthings.com and she somehow finds a way to enjoy those things, and I read and read for inspiration or in hopes that someday I might just get it, but so far nothing. Short bursts of happy, but they are dramatically overshadowed by my shitty mood.
I have a very, very close friend who was diagnosed several months ago with neuroendocrine cancer and had tumors in his liver. After four rounds of chemo the two tumors in his liver grew to 30. Along with several other issues, hes really not doing well at all. Today his family checked him into a nursing/hospice home so he can have 24 hour care. Luckily, I got to visit with him last wednesday, while he was still at home and before they started the methadone. It was an amazing visit although it left me wanting more. And now that hes in the hospice, its so far away, I dont know if I’ll be able to get up there. I dont know how alert he still is but I want to atleast call him. I cry a little almost everyday thinking about him. He is a great person and really helped me through some of my darkest days. I need him still…
On a happier note, Lucas is getting cuter and cuter still. Hes more like my little buddy now and its a blast. Lately he tells me I’m his sunshine. It makes my heart melt. Its my second favorite thing hes ever said. He has the most amazing imagination and can really sing! He loves to dance and be silly and just be a sweet little boy. Dont misunderstand, he has his cranky moments, and let me tell you, they are not his best, but we get through them.
I started to write this tonight without hesitation or restraint, but one if those annoying voices in my head told me not to and I listened…so sorry its lame. I like to think I dont care what others think about me but I know I do.

Nothing worth reading, trust me

Today I experienced my first ever, real deal panic/anxiety attack and let me just say it was horrible. Pretty much debilitating. At one point I swore I was having a stroke! I’ve been extremely stressed out lately and really unhappy. The therapy I’ve been going to is great but unfortunately realizing why I do things the way I do can also make me very emotional. All I could think to do was breathe but that wasn’t helping much. I just couldn’t focus. All I could think about was “why is this happening to me?!” I eventually called my boss, who fortunately for me is somewhat understanding, and asked for the rest of the day off. I sat in my car for about a half hour because I didn’t trust myself to drive. My mind was way too distracted. Thankfully, my good friend Sami was home, which is about as close to my work as my house, so I went there. I didn’t want to be alone. She was going to a Zumba benefit later and asked if I wanted to go. You would think that after such a crazy day, that the last thing I would/should do is Zumba, but I did it anyways. And the best part is, my attack stopped! All the dancing was forcing me to take deep breaths. The endorphins I was releasing were helping calm me down inside. I think my favorite part about Zumba is how all I think about is the music. I can’t think about other things at the same time. Which was really helpful. My mind needed a break, but I didn’t feel like sleeping. When I was younger and depressed, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. Wake me up when it’s over. But it was never going to be over if I didn’t just WAKE UP and address it. When I started having anxiety (that I noticed. I’m sure I’ve had it a while now) the only thing that made me feel better was sleep too, or so I thought. But once I figured out that sleeping was doing more harm than good, I figured, why should I let this stop me from doing things I enjoy?

Lately, music and lyrics are the only things I can relate to. Its kinda weird. First of all, I’m terrible when it comes to names of songs and musicians, so I can only think of the lyrics of songs or how the tune goes, but for example, this song has been in my head all week: “I want you to want me, I need you to need me” and I know this one, Rhianna, “want you to make me feel, like I’m the only girl in the world” and a country one “Tomorrows another day, but I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain”. If you didn’t notice, theres kind of a trend. Things lately have been very “bumpy” with me and my husband (the main reason for the attack). I’ve just been so lonely lately. I hate Washington State, I hate the rain, I hate golf when my husband is playing it, I hate that he would rather play golf than spend time with me and Lucas. I hate the fact that I can’t handle being alone anymore. Just very frustrated with my life at the moment. I don’t know what I want but I know I’m not happy. In a sense you could almost say I hate myself. I wish I didn’t, but that just isn’t true. Some days I wake up mad because I didn’t die in my sleep! How depressing is that?!?! I’m not suicidal, just miserable with who I’ve become. So with some therapy and vitamins and lots of great friends, I’m trying my hardest to figure this out. If I could, I would so check myself into an inpatient mental facility for some intense therapy. I feel like I’ve supressd so many feelings for so long now, that its far too late to slowly work on them, I need to dig them all up at once and sort through them. I just don’t have the time or money for that sort of thing.

Travel Preference

Do you prefer the aisle or window when traveling? Why?

By car, I prefer driving, if not, I call shot-gun. By Plane, when I was younger, I preferred the window, but now that I’m older and wiser, I’d much rather sit in the aisle. By train, I have no clue? I guess I haven’t really been on a train, just the MARTA in Atlanta, and monorail transport things. But that doesn’t count. Um, how else do you travel?? By foot/bicycle, you always get the window! This is a pretty late “Blog of the Day” question today. Oh well, the whole goal is to write one blog everyday. So far, two days straight. We shall see how long this lasts.

 

Blog a day

What have you feared that turned out to be much easier than you expected?

So this is the challenge question for today, huh. Im liking this whole daily prompt from wordpress, just what I needed. I didn’t feel like writing this blog as a daily journal in my life, but it felt like that was where it was heading, so this is great!

To answer this question bluntly, EVERYTHING! I worry A LOT about how tough or hard lifes problems and curve balls are going to turn out. I try to predict them even, like Im some kind of phsycic. And it makes me sick as hell. Worrying is like drinking battery acid for me. It just rots me to the core. I worry about the dumbest stuff too, like things I have no control over, so worrying and predicting wont do me any good. Or I worry about if I go somewhere, if it will have a bathroom. Im crazy, I know, but my life has made me this way. I cannot help it, I can only try to get thru it.

Some people worry about dying or getting sick and dying. I could really care less, but for some reason, not worrying about it makes me wonder if I should…?

I think the best recent event to answer this question with was our recent trip to Florida that I recently wrote about fearing. Lucas did so incredibly well, I was in awe the entire time. He was such a trooper too. He sat in his carseat the whole way their and almost back, all besides mid-flight diaper changes. We watched movies, played with fun, new toys and even had fun snacks! Well, he did anyway. Just an all around fantastic result that I wouldn’t have bet on.

On another note, I do still feel the need to follow up on somethings, for those of you frequent readers (aka no one). First and foremost, Kelly had baby Matthew on June 8th!! I got to go to the hospital and meet him just hours after he was born! Kelly is doing well, and is enjoying motherhood fully. Ummm…lets see, what else, Oh the trip to Florida! It was AMAZING! Just what I needed, except when I came home it was 56 degrees and I was in shorts and a tank top. 😦 I had to put pants on for the first time in a week. Then proceeded to hibernate on my couch with my snuggie. LAME!!! I wanna move sooooooo badly now. Not to Florida but to Georgia preferrably. I would totally do Utah too, but Im not sure its where I want to plant my roots yet. Georgia I can and would. I’ve always loved Georgia. I miss her dearly. Only time will tell.

Oh Sunshine!!!

Lately it has been a constant stream of rain and gray clouds up until yesterday when the sun finally decided to show up. Its great! And it’s about damn time too!! I was beginning to wonder if we would see the sun before we leave for Florida. But its been shining two days now and I’m in love. I just want to stand there and soak it all in. I wanna get a big, fluffy blanket and lay in the shade and take a nap. I think sun is the cure I need. I think in order for me to feel good all the time, I need more sun than what Washington has had to offer. But I don’t see us moving anytime soon, even though I totally would.

On a different note, today I went shopping!!! I bought three pairs of shorts, a tank top, and a pair of flip-flops. I realized today that I had no summer clothes that fit. The other amazing thing about this shopping trip was that I grabbed a size that I thought might be too small. And when I tried them on, they fit perfectly!! It was the best feeling ever! I havent felt this good about my body in a long time. Getting to this point has taken a lot of hard work but I’m really proud so far. I’ve hit a plateau but it can take time when you do it the right way and I can wait. I didn’t gain all this weight overnight. I think having my gallbladder out and then being affected by it also helps me because in order for me to not be on the toilet all day, I have to avoid fatty foods and caffeinated beverages. Which are a lot of things I love and do not want to sacrifice, but recently I did a test on the caffeine theory and I was cramped up for about an hour. NOT worth it. I hardly had any coffee too. Whatever, I don’t need it.

What I do want lately is mexican food, one particular restaurant. Paraiso. aka Pistachios, aka Paritsios. However you wanna say it, whatever you wanna call it, I call it mexican food done right! Their house made Pico de Gallo is amazing and is served with chips and salsa. Also, if you’re lucky, which I usually am, there is one complementary Sopapilla per person, with brown sugar and cinnamon, drizzled with honey and strawberry sauce, gently topped with whipped cream! And everything I’ve ever ordered was delicious. It’s so affordable too. Hmmm…now I really want to go there.

Watching him grow

Sometimes as a mother, some days are more challenging than others and most days are filled with fun and smiles and sweet, sweet kisses. Today was one of the latter, and it was perfect. Lucas was so well behaved today and he was very polite. He is at the age where he wants to be my helper. The past few meals he has helped me prepare in some way or another. He also loves food and loves to eat, just like me, but I think having him help makes him more likely to eat what I make.

Today we realized we didnt have any evening sweet snacks and I did not feel like baking, so we went to Haggen. For some reason, when I got Lucas out of his car seat I set him on the ground and held his hand. This is very unusual since I normally just carry him to the store. We then walked to the store hand in hand, got a cart, I tried to cram him in the seat and he faught me hard. So, I caved. I let him walk around on his own, not at first though. But then we gave him a basket. He liked that. He was so darn cute.

He then walked through the rest of the store, carrying his basket with the book he brought from home in it, and we bought all kinds of junk food!! Two kinds of popsicles, ice cream, yogurt, strawberries, chocolate syrup, chocolate chip cookies, french bread, lemonade, I tried for some lolipops too, but Dad said no 😦

He was such a good boy about it, he even climbed  into his car seat afterwards without fight or struggle! Just an all around great experience. It makes me feel a lot better about having to fly to Florida with him in less than two weeks. I am getting really excited about it, but Im not so sure about getting there and back and how that will go with Lucas. I feel a bit better now after having found this blog: http://flyingwithchildren1.blogspot.com/

Back to work but only four days…thats a little better I guess. Maybe Kelly will have her baby soon? I hope she has him before I leave. Her due date is the day we leave, so…you get the idea. Id like to go to the hospital and be there for her, but if I cant then I cant. She has plenty of support and others that will be there too. But if I can be there I will. Anyways, Im really digging this whole blogging thing. I think I might soon become addicted.

A Memorial Day Weekend to Remember

Today was quite possibly one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time. My best friend Kelly, who is so pregnant she’s about to pop, was put on bed rest recently. So, being the amazing friend that I am, I decided she might like some entertainment and interaction with other adults before the rest of her life as she knows it is consumed by the wonderful baby boy who will soon be born.

Yesterday, after mowing the lawn for the first time in my life, I headed to Kelly’s to entertain. Of course we were both starving, so I did what any great friend that’s a bad influence would do and I took her out to lunch! This could be her last meal before going into labor, so I wanted it to be tasty. We tried a new place in her neck of the woods called “Avocados”. It was delish! She enjoyed it so much, she was apologizing to me because all she could talk about was how good it was. After that, we headed to Trader Joe’s. (Again with the bad influence thing. But hey, its 1/6 the size of a regular grocery store and it only takes 20 minutes to walk through, which is the same amount of time it would take her to make some lunch and clean up, right???) Got my grocery shopping done while simultaneously chillin’ with my homie. What more could I ask for? After the store, I went to drop her off and had something I wanted to talk to her about. I told her I wanted to start a catering company, and that I wanted her to be my partner! I am really excited about it and she seems like she’s all for it. I think we can start slowly and just do it as a side job, but eventually I would like for it to be something I can do instead of my current job. I can’t wait to get started on this, but I want to take it slow, make sure we cover everything and do it right the first time.

Today, I hung out with Kelly again. This time I had my son, Lucas with me. He is so much fun, but very busy, so while she sat and relaxed, I chased him all over the place. Then later, instead of having a Memorial Day BBQ, we had homemade ravioli! We both made some fresh pasta, mixed up an amazing cheese filling and had marinara and alfredo sauce. And of course a ton of crusty bread. It was fantastic.

We are so funny too! We made all this yummy food, took pictures of us making it but we were so hungry we ate it before even thinking about taking a picture. Oh well, you can just trust me on this one…it was very tasty.

I think the worst part of the day was when Lucas wouldn’t take a nap. But that was no biggie, we all piled in the car and went for a drive. He slept just long enough to refresh himself and last till about 9:30, then he passed out and he probably wont wake up once tonight! I’m looking forward to that!!

Just a great weekend thus far. And to top it all off, its extra long. I get an extra day to make up for what I didn’t do yesterday and I still get to go to Zumba! Oh, don’t get me started on Zumba, that’s for another post.

First time’s a charm!

Here goes nothing! First blog ever…not really sure what else to say. I’m a little intimidated at the moment because lately I have found all of these awesome blogs and I want to sound as witty and sensible and smart as these people.

So to start things off, I guess I would like to put out there that I think I have ADD, so if my writing seems a bit scattered, that’s why. I think of a million things I wanna say but can’t type them all at once and then when I say it aloud I sound like a schizophrenic with turrets(sp?) syndrome. All in all, I think I will be able to get my point across, in my mind anyway. When I decided to start this blog, I thought about how blogging is so five years ago. Why would I want to jump on the bandwagon now? Well, back when my life was a little crazier, I used to write for “therapy”. I could just write what I was feeling and thinking, and instantly felt a sense of relief. Thing was, I’d write the stuff, read it a day later then trash it, mostly because I didn’t want anyone reading it. It just felt good to get it off my chest. So I think that’s what some of my blogging may contain. Who knows? We’ll just have to see…

Stay tuned for more…

or don’t. It’s really your choice.